I hate your face
Yeah, getting the HI-fiVe would really put a damper on my whoring around.
Why does my right nut always hang lower than my left nut?
then you put baby powder on the bottom of your feet and walked to your room so "ladies would follow the footprints"
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous
Sudue. BIG CUP LOTS OF NOMNOMD TUOSPY
The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles
They have chocolate covered tequila candy at work. This is not a drill. May be drunk by noon.
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.
How is it medically possible for my urine to smell like espresso
In other news, I just sneezed and almost shit myself. What is happening to my life??
Randomize
