She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.
She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...
My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Btw. Made out with a random kid at a frat. It's all good though. He invited us to his frat party tomorrow so yay! For having plans!
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
Soggy bong water carpet is the worst kind of carpet.
If one of us has to be polite I guess I won't sneak out while he's in the shower
just had to get on my knees to snort an addy off the little sink at the daycare. teacher of the year!
A 'Bear Fight' is a car bomb followed by a Jaeger bomb. Fuckface and I do those on slow days. Tonight, we did a 'Polar Bear on Fire'. Fireball, a bear fight in the middle, and end with rumple minze.
I made friends at the beach bars tonight. Several were worried for my well being.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
I would give a kidney to fuck him and he knows it. That bastard.
I had to replace her wine with red vitamin water. So if she’s alive, you can thank me
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
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