The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.
The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.
First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...
My dad caught me fucking in the pool last night. He proceeded to tell me I needed to "quiet things down" while this guys dick was still in me. Worst daughter ever.
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Should have know they were on something when he started filling a Togo container with fruit
I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level
And we had three hours of crazy sex then his roommate ate pizza off me while I was sleeping.
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
He just didn't want his drunk dick pulled out of his windbreaker at the family party
You told me you were going to invite all of your Tinder matches to the same bar on the same night and make them compete for your affection in a series of Lust Olympics. Winner gets laid.
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
FINE I guess I'll just drink regular coke like a PLEBIAN.
Randomize
