Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?
Jenna and Ryan are ranting and raving about child custody. MY VASECTOMY SMILES.
it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes
Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.
I said:" get your jacket, get your beer and get the fuck out of here"
Firing someone with a rhyme is the new high point in my life.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Also I played a weird game of chicken in the ladies room at work between myself the person pooping 2 stalls over and a very determined maintenance man.
I woke up still drunk to a beautiful tattooed columbian man making me pancakes. How's your memorial day?
Naw man, if he's crazy enough to jerk off on a public bus he's too crazy for me to fuck with
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
I accidentally left my shirt at my booty calls house. He washed it & hung it up for me in his closet. I can't decide if that's sweet or creepy
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
I kept telling you not to give them blowjobs, but you kept screaming back, "it's okay, we're friends on facebook!"
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
None of what you just said was coherent
I just bought wine at a gas station what the hell do you expect
Randomize
