Are you dead
Yes
Oh man
Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard
Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.
I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.
But he's not just anonymous male genitalia anymore. I've met him, I've seen his face.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
finding an unopened condom on the ground can really change your outlook on the night
"Work from home" is code for "morning drinks" right?
You thought that you were playing full contact and started screaming "I will fucking end you! I will end you!" and tried tackling everyone in the room.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
You know i love you, but i just cannot fuck you until your eyebrow grows back. It's too hard not to laugh.
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
I vaguely remember ordering a water at some point last night. It's good to know drunk me can still be responsible.
i dont know how or why im in the gym right now, but theres a hot cop, a guy i hook up with, and his hot friend. this can only lead to every fantasy i ever had.
Randomize
