Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I feel the need to point out that one of the items on my to-do list for the day is "don't throw up" I have no concept of normal
I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.
Last night you made me help you pick the raisins out of a kashi bar and acted like it was the most important thing to ever happen to you or our friendship
My roommate just threatened to kill me with my own pan. Can I ever get away from the crazies?!
Why do I always have at least 8 men with whom I am conducting some sort of poorly planned love experiment?
After we finish having sex, he smokes an honest to God pipe. It's like fucking a big, sexy Sherlock Holmes...
I just woke up naked in a bed with your brother. WHAT THE HELL HAPPENED TO NOT LETTING EACH OTHER DO STUPID THINGS?
You fucked my brother?!
Randomize
