My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.
Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Its completely acceptable to go naked under my graduation gown right?
Some ppl might frown upon it but theyre prudes
All I remember is passing out with an umbrella over my head and waking up screaming bad luck for seven years
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I asked him if he wanted a pillow, and he replied "No. Batman never had pillows."
I need you there. I need someone to glance at when other people inevitably annoy me.
That moment when I wear the same thing I did to a motel nooner to my family's Christmas party... Ho Hoety Ho bitches
Yeah, but having a dick this size has ruined 3 marriages.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
