I am at The Loft in SoNo, and there are two girls within arms reach that are making out with each other AGGRESIVELY. Like I can see 100% of a boob
For future reference, this is Trevors little sisters phone now. Trevs number is 484 XXX XXXX. Great story tho
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.
You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
BRING ME THE PLAN B. ILL GIVE YOU A FREE WATER BOTTLE AND A BUMPER STICKER AND SOME BACON BITS
In the middle of me riding him, he stopped me and said "You're the kind of person who would be restrained for being obnoxiously drunk on an airplane, huh?"
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
If my mom's not going to offer me drugs then it's really pointless for me to be here.
A woman with Alzheimer's pointed at me and said, "Don't forget to wear socks, because you're a lady!" I think it's legit advice.
my vag sweat smells like doritos
so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
I promised her I would shit on your driveway. There's nothing that you or I can do about it now.
why is there glitter IN my vagina????
boys just don't understand what they're missing out on.
he's missing out on my boobs looking marvelous this evening.
Randomize
