And now his mom knows I was dipping my pen in company ink
Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.
Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.
med student doing my blood work at the AIDS clinic just hit on me after I told him i was having unprotected sex, but didn't think i had HIV.
he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.
I will pee on everything he values.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
This is my gift to your gina
You were so drunk you coat checked your shoe... Not even both of them. Just one shoe.
Ok fine, yes she's pregnant. But you're ignoring the most important part. HER BOOBS GOT BIGGER. That doesn't happen every day, and I owe it to myself to enjoy those boobs before the belly catches up to them!
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
You are in a fancy European city. The best way to truly experience the city is through Tinder
If you think me talking about that hot guy accepting my LinkedIn request is pornographic, I’m not sure how you’re gonna feel when I tell you I fucked a stranger on a park bench last weekend
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