Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw
strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing
could be more
absolutely not
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.
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I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
Like please, take your microdick and try to stick it someplace else. It is not welcome in my world.
He must've been a bear in a previous life. My nipple is bleeding. Shit's sensitive.
apparently when she asked me how drunk I was on a scale of 1-10, I answered "bitch I'm fabulous" and tried to do a sassy hairflip. but I have short hair.
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What's a nice way of saying 'I wish I hadn't fucked you.'
I don't think you could pull off being mean.
How do you think I'm still single?
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
I usually do that but weve been going unprotected with tribal fertility symbols painted above my door
You know those times when you're sitting down for a while and r like damn I'm sober but then stand up and r like WOAH HOLD UP.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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