i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Ok just saw a girl open a pillbox, dump it out on her notebook and count out 13 adderall tabs and put them in a baggie and leave. Oh hey college.
Mental note: adding peach schnapps to a gin and tonic does not "water it down."
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...
I just puked behind a tree outside work, then walked past my manager with puke in my hair. Man, I'm gonna miss this when I get a real job.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
My card got declined when I tried to buy dippin dots at 2 am, the lady gave them to me for free because "I looked like I needed them."
You're seeing with your vagina, not your eyes.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I hate who I am becoming
I think of it as growth but I also hate who I am becoming as well
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
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