Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?
I think you have the right to know, the water bottle you drank out of the other night is the bottle we use to catch what drips from the toilet. Love you!
Sounds like it could have been the night you pulled out your love stump at the strip club.
my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?
I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nice. I like it when Maker's Mark makes decisions for you.
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
Randomize
