We're pre-gaming then going to chuck e cheese's.
If you're joking I'm going to be sad
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
you pushed her into a kiddie pool and knocked out her front teeth... and you still managed to get laid. what. the. fuck.
I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.
I still think he fell and scraped his elbow and lost his credit card buying 8 hot chocolates for hobos
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Why are there two phone calls to calgary police in my phone and why is there a voicemail from you asking for bail money
I swear to god those aren't related
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
When the hubs wants to wear his training mask during sex and pretend to be Bane you just go with it.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
I dunno what to tell you sport. Short of having a shock collar on, you're gonna wanna hook up with people.
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Randomize
