Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.
I feel like I had a lobotomy last night. I blacked out. Did we try to stick my Penis in a beer bottle?
When he left he said something to the effect of "well now that I've been used..." I think he may be on to me.
I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I just slammed another champagne, swaggered over to her, pointed across the room at the 20 y/o lacrosse player and whispered loudly, "I brought that one for YOU." I'm getting a raise.
Since I fall down so much at parties I've started doing this new thing where when I fall I just yell FLOOR PARTY and make people bring the party to me
You and your vagina are hellbent on selfdestruction and bad decisions
Dude...can we put that on a tshirt? I will totally sport that shit.
When I die, I want you to spread my ashes at a Cracker Barrel.
I only have one kid whom I wish to hit in the face with an active jackhammer. How's work?
can we take a moment to remember my theory on 'your tongue is a snake that lives in your mouth' because we reached a whole new level of high
This morning he fucked me while I was brushing my teeth. So I kept brushing as he thrusted. Then I brushed his teeth with my toothbrush while he was still in me. So hygienic.
why is there a wheelchair in the hall and why does it look like we banged in it?
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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