I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
This is not my ceiling
im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
The only thing that got me through this hellish day was imagining a large Swedish penis inside of me.
What did your vagina DO during the nhl lockout?!
Americans.
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
I guess "Ass Fun Friday" is not a thing no matter how many times I say it or bring it up in conversation...
I CALLED IT A FRIENDSHIP. NOT A I WANT YOUR MAN PARTS IN MY LADY PARTS-SHIP.
Get here now. I need a drinking buddy. I don't care if you're in a different timezone, it'll be five o clock here faster.
I haven't gotten dressed in 4 days. God bless you, unemployment.
You could at least care enough to fake an orgasm for me.
He passed out with his shoes on 20 minutes till midnight, and I didn't have a sharpie so I took the cheese whiz and filled his exposed ass crack.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
The only good thing about 2020 is that the hot flight attendant neighbors are using my pool a lot. If i can keep them from wandering into my Zoom meeting with my boss I’m golden
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