Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
I did the walk of shame to another booty call
I don't think that should turn me on, but it does
do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
Hey guys. This is Daniel texting on mayas phone. if she called you and told you that i made her have sex with me in my doghouse with my dog present that wasn't true.... so dont spread that.
imagine if the morning after your status automatically updated with the name of the person you hooked up with
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.
After we finished having phone sex he proceeded to serenade me with Ave Maria. It was magical.
He signed my ass with a Waffle House pen.
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
It's a shame I've been hooking up with him for 6 months and he still doesn't know my real name.
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