Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.
before we even ate breakfast we'd found an eighth of weed in some old purse she never uses. it was gone by lunch
My mom just came into the kitchen and watched me take a double shot of whiskey and chase it with a beer and said "you are my son." Proudest family moment ever
He ripped off my pantyhose and all I could think was, "oh no those were clinic-appropriate!" That's what I get for ditching a continuing education meeting to go hook up with my scuba instructor.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
I thought he was a lobster and that the moon was going to pull me through him.
I don't think I should try acid.
Randomize
