I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
Guess who is high enough to buy Jingle All The Way?
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
He just did a 33 second keg stand with a fractured leg, busted chin and chipped teeth from running into a parked car after winning a race.
just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now
I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving
dude that bald bouncer just did a body shot off of brian and then kicked us out for trying to charge him for it
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
His constant posting of "inspirational" Taylor Swift quotes over the past 3 days has me a little worried. It's like, holy shit dude, you're almost 30.
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
you ran up to the police and said "fuck the police shit we living in hell ". Then you dropped your Margarita and said "Darby Out" lol
Well the hawks lost... so, of course, the only logical course of action was a bonfire in the middle of the street.
I left my Bacardi and dignity in your freezer. Will come get it later.
I figured it out! There's blood on the kitchen floor because I fell into the dishwasher. And there's a face dent. And it doesn't work.
Yea.....I saw that happen.
Randomize
