It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.
Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.
Remind me to tell you the one about the cashier that wouldn't sell me Jim Beam and NyQuil.
he's drinking beer at home in his underwear tonight and if you want to come over the dresscode is underwear only. And you have to bring beer.
Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.
Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing
Like these jerks could have told me it wasn't a video call, I wouldn't have put on pants.
Things that have happened since you moved: Lemmy, Bowie, Snape, Prince, civility, democracy, Carrie Fisher, all dead. Record flooding down here. Twice. This is clearly your fault.
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
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