you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
The only people who have said happy valentines day to me today have been 2 homeless people.
I found a horn on the street but it's okay I disinfected it with vodka
i vomited out of my nose in three different houses so far, i will be back for my boots tomorrow
I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me
Something bad happened. I'm just giving you some notice. So you can smoke some pot and hide all sharp items in the house.
After owing so much in back child support they should make vasectomy a mandatory
woke up with empty beer can still duct taped into my fists and the word "dove" written on the back of my neck
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I don't just want drugs. I deserve drugs.
I woke up with sticky red stuff all over my sheets, face, and chest. Apparently after I blacked out I thought eating ribs in bed was a good idea
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
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