i already hear my dad disowning me
When we were fucking, you could hear the beer sloshing around in my stomach
one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality
Im trying to find an appropriate gift to your mom for getting both you and your sister on birth control within a week, any suggestions?
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
to whom it may concern. if i am dead in colleens bed it is not her fault i slept in my scarf. my dads middle name is ronald.
I can't believe you didn't come out. There was a duckling ON THE BAR!
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
Just cried watching Wimbledon, worst comedown ever.
You mowed a straight line through three yards because you were, and I fucking quote, "In the zone." I think they know.
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
just licked whipped cream off some model's nipple... just coming clean for when the pic gets on instagram because i am not untagging that shit
Randomize
