allegedly i woke up at 5am sat in the dishwasher and peed
I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I found a pair a guys underwear in my purse that has a British flag on it and says and I quote "British beef" what.the.fuck.
I can't drink with the moms anymore. All they talk about is lactating.
I have a breathe right strip stuck to my forehead, several inexplicable bruises and I think someone tried to paint my nails with glue, but I still have my Santa hat. I'm gonna call this one a success.
btw you left your chapstick on the nightstand and bruises on my body...
gifts from me to you. you're welcome.
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
And now you know why we call him Three-Balls Brad
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
man sorry about that. It's like god was willing me to be an asshole. I haven't filled my quota for the day
Update: drank half a bottle of Bourbon and texted three ex's. Waiting for the roommates to go to sleep so I can raid the fridge.
I need my comforter. Pls bring it to me and drape me in it like an animal pelt. Ps I'm naked.
Randomize
