There's this guy beside me dancing with this girl with no panties on. When I looked at him he said he's babysitting his bestfriend's girlfriend since he can't come out.
What a good friend
I just had the ultimate walk of shame. I'm barefoot, in his gym short with vomit in my hair and I walked half a mile through campus. At noon. Thanks for picking up ur phone
it will be a sad day when drinking racks of keystone isnt socially acceptable anymore
you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for
My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
This theraflu would make for a great margarita.
I can make a sudafedarita
Ideas for halloween. We need simple yet hilarious. Cheap yet effective. Slutty yet acceptable. Go.
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
This is why you arnt allowed in pet stores
And then you screamed, "I JUST WANNA POUR MAPLE SYRUP ALL OVER HIM AND RAVISH HIS BODY!!"
Randomize
