My bottle opener just broke off in the cork
They don't teach how to cope w these situations in boy scouts
PS Can you transmit a UTI to a sexual partner? I tried to ask, but the doctor just told me to abstain (sup Bristol) for my own good w/o answering
some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens
Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?
Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".
she was pretty happy for someone in the middle of a herpes outbreak, how was i supposed to know?
just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.
and by single i mean slutty
With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap
Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.
Dad and I are shitfaced screaming at Canadians in Walmart. Life is good.
I love our relationship. We just get drunk, show each other our tits, demonstrate sexual positions and make pasta. Then you go to bed and I sit around with your mom and cry about how proud of you we are.
I'll be in SoCal at my bachelorette party, aka embracing a fireman covered in KY and chocolate shavings.
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I just remembered that before we left my house I vowed to stay fully clothed and I FAILED
No pussy. I don't care what time of year it is you do not look tough wearing sandals. Honestly you look like a high school guidance counselor.
Randomize
