Do u have any bacon or vodka by chance
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you
Thank God for cruise control and the Starbucks cup I had to puke in.
in hindsight, the duct tape banana hammock was a bad idea.
we're using his nephews tonka truck toy as a cooler for the beer
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
they drunkenly created an obstacle course for the poor hamster and its ball.
I wanna come do a blessing for your apartment. And by that I mean I want to drink a lot of whiskey and watch ancient aliens in your apartment
Know what the best part of waking up for work after a drinking vacation is? It's an easy question. Nothing. Nothing is the best part of that.
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
