What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.
I knew I was high when I wanted to write a poem about how great it felt to wash my face
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.
Just got a 200 dollar safe, two jars, and a 500 pack of rubber bands.. This doesn't SCREAM drug dealer does it?
...you should fill the cart some more
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
Mom kept me on a leash as a kid, did you know this?
When she went in the beer store I got to hold it.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I would just like to say that I was the one who said that we should find scissors, when they were cutting your hair with a kitchen knife. I am responsible.
I still feel bad for it, even though I technically only videotaped it and helped will to distract the questioning neighbor
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
Randomize
