So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.
It's nice to see a girl prepared for the walk of shame. She brought headphones
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings
$150 bar tab covered by these tits. That's now the going rate. Keeping my bra on during sex unless i see the Benjamins.
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
I think i'm going to homewreck at this Disney on Ice show.
I guess your brother-in-law will have his day in the sun tonight after you leave. By that, I of course, mean he's gonna suck liquor milk out your sister's tits.
Pulled a muscle in my back masturbating. But still listed as probable.
Like 50% of me thinks it'll be weird, 25% of me is curious & 25% of me is horny
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Well, I can't remember Thursday and my left ass cheek hurts like hell, I'm guessing Mike's bachelor party was a success.
You do realize it’s only a matter of time before I have a bad day and come home with an alpaca?
Randomize
