does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
it's a well known fact that sluts are attracted to bright colors
american apparel?
try lime green
Awesome, the library of congress archived all tweets. Now my great great grandchildren can pinpoint the date they inherited alcoholism.
Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"
I stole a fireplace last night.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
I'm imaging you naked, covered in butter. And I gotta say, I'm not impressed.
thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...
At one point they were sandwiching me, both petting my stomach, mad dogging each other. Then they somehow telepathically decided to both try to pull my pants down. Such nice guys.
She just came home holding a fire hydrant. Yes a fire hydrant.
A guy in the dance floor is raising the roof with an axe in hand. I love Halloween.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
Also I’m on 3%. Just Incase.. I miss you and I love you and you’re my everything and I’m getting drunk.
Does having sex in an airport bathroom with a girl you just met at the bar count as the mile high club? ...no?
Randomize
