dude, your ex-bf is on match.com
details on that.
well, his profile doesn't say anything about herpes.
He wouldnt get hard, then started talking about his ex wife. I literally rolled over and started to cry
Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.
he actually proposed, and i threw up on him...i guess 5 glasses of wine was a bad idea.
And then i made him answer questions about me before i took off my clothes
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.
I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.
I had another sex dream about you but it was very dissatisfying. As you finished you starting singing the star spangled banner. then you left. I was not amused.
If you put those two in a room together it'd be like a Taylor Swift fantasy and an Adele nightmare just licking faces
yea I went to the store high again.. I think we're having pie for dinner.
Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
If you’re wondering why the bong is outside the garage door just know I was being environmentally efficient by not using the freezer to chill my shit
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