I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
I hate having to put a bra on before I go home cuz I have to pretend I actually went to class today
i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
Yeah I either headbutted a street sign while texting or I defended you two from an evil gang of nazi muggers. I was black out so I am gonna assume it was option b.
someone at the bars was yelling at the bouncer to let him in because he "just passed through the 7 levels of the candy cane forrest" soulmate?
go meet him and give him your number.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Randomize
