This is the first month I have not taken plan B to get my period in over a year
And somehow that makes me sad knowing I haven't had raunchy unprotected sex in a month
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.
They're like penises that have been put in a blender.
This adderall has me convinced I'm an Econ major.
Turns out I wasn't throwing up blood, I just threw up so hard it ripped my tonsils. Thank you Jameson.
Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".
She sent me a map and directions for a booty call. In a park. Give me reason not to marry her.
So we stayed at his mom's and all got drunk and he and I hooked up in his old bedroom. Then his drunk mom came in and tackled us when we were still naked. Why does this keep happening to me?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I want to get drunk and watch somebody else's tragedy.
Randomize
