"it" just moved
Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
I may or may not be drunk driving a golf cart. Vegaaaassssssss.
What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?
We had to leave the bar because you were trying to show the bartender your boobs for water.
You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.
This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.
Dude when we asked him where he lived all he could tell us was "by the slurpees." That fucked up.
I'm sitting outside your room listening for sex noises eating pepperoni...slowly
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Don't go to jail over some guy named Bunky
I don't know how a coffee date turned into road head. But hey
I think I just found my soul mate...he's wearing a zebra striped onesie and is into Michael Jackson...I'll explain in the morning.
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
