my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.
Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...
His cat kept scratching my feet while we were having sex. There's only room for one pussy around here. It also concerns me that he owns a cat.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
Totally just railed SuperGirl for my birthday. Best Girlfriend EVER!
I just tried to pass the bowl to my dog for 2 minutes before I remembered she isn't human. It is 7:27 am.
How do you get the "hangs out with drunk assholes" insurance
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm dangerously close to tossing this whole "morals" bullshit and swan-diving into the fuckboy lifestyle.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
Randomize
