i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
Just saw someone buying TWO six packs of O'Doul's. WHY ??
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.
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My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.
If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
So what are you going to be for halloween?
A woman sitting on her couch watching Hocus Pocus.
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
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How do you get kicked out of 3 different Subways in one night..
Not very gracefully, that's how.
After the apocalypse all we'll have is vodka and twinkles.
I wore Yonce braids out last night and made out with a man and a woman #bowdown is right
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
And by "have lunch together" you mean me giving you a blow job in the back of your Tahoe, right?
Omg dude take a shower. You'll feel like god washed away all the sinful shit we did last night.
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