Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
You'd think after all these years of evolution that it would be longer than a golf pencil.
You were mounting an escalator last night, shouting "I have no health insurance" at people
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
Just woke up with an eye that wont open, a half eaten piece of pizza on my chest and a raging boner.
I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.
A big toe in my vag is not foreplay.
fuck whipped cream. I'd eat vegetables off those abs
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Her blow jobs are legen wait for it seriously like 9 people I know brag about them dary
the hot lifeguard just pulled a McDonald's cheeseburger out of her fanny pack.
Randomize
