I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?
Knowing your life, probably not.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
my lips still taste like vagina
so you liked breakfast?
ehh, still wish we woulda went to IHOP instead
Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
I'll just save you what dignity you have left by letting what happened die with your lack of memory and/or liver.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
On another note; I'm three days away from being 1/12th of my way from not having sex for a year. I need to get laid.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
He asked me how flexible I was and all I could think about was that time I threw my back out putting in a tampon.
Randomize
