i just spit dirty mouth water on my dentist. and apparently grinning sheepishly and saying "my b" doesn't make it better
Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.
i just got on a party bus. i think i left my belly button at the bar.
Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.
He accidentally opened the car door during sex and all the lights came on. Needless to say, that kid passing by who was walking his dog got scarred for life.
Well I think won that argument, as the cops were leaving, they offered me a ride to the airport
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
I'm going through what feels like a break up with beer. I'm emotionally distraught from it's lack of presence.
When I go out tonight I need to make sure to be really good. The Easter bunny doesn't deliver to jail
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
I still have that dildo-suction bruise on my forehead and this sweater STILL smells like my Christmas Eve vomit.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
Randomize
