Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing
Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
Could have been worst, could have seen me bent over biting her carpet while her son was inside me, i think i would have respnded with "i was just trying to be quiet"
just got home to find my brothers naked on the floor covered in chocolate. i am now nervous about sleeping in the same room as them
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
Zak is like the Picasso of masterbatory texts
And I made some girl take out the trash, load and unload the dishwasher, swifter, and clean the counters. So don't act like I don't do anything.
CUT OFF ALL YOUR HAIR COME ON MAN LET'S DO THIS
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
9 am booty call on your ex's birthday. Fuck yea
why yes, bad decisions will be made starting at 3PM Thurs through 8PM on Sun. You have been warned. Plan accordingly.
Randomize
