Just got yelled at by a priest...again.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was
Nope. He totaled my car then moved back to Louisiana to work things out with baby mama. I sure know how to pick em
Shitshow foam night was such a success
Will it be a clothes optional week when I get there? I have an amazing outfit of tattoos and toenail polish planned.
To be clear, the next time I wake up with your dick inside me, I will reach down and grab one and squeeze until it pops like a grape. You've been warned.
I just dumped bong water and Bacardi out of my purse into the trash can. Everything in my purse is soaked. I hate Sundays.
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
My roommate is downstairs drunk, smoking, and listening to a self help DVD. Please dear God don't let this be the Ghost of Christmas Future.
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
Seriously. Are we going out tonight? If we're not, I'm going to put on sweatpants and do drugs.
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
Well the cops were called after the kid fell, but we saw 4 cute guys from our window while it was going down, so it wasn't all that bad.
Randomize
