You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
the semester is winding down: time to procrastinate by googling cheap keg options
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
he had to fake a sneeze attack to hide the fact he came in 15 seconds?!
so its atleast an 8 for creativity.
i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried
Def walking back to my apt with a blender, an empty vodka bottle, and a half eAtn drumstick cone.
I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.
Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
Side note, from now on any snap chat I get that isn't interesting enough... Is getting a dick in response. Judge your snaps accordingly
I literally just skipped to the fridge when I realized we had enough vodka left to get day drunk
I think I ejaculated my soul out.
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
He named his newborn baby after a character in the Hobbit and that is literally keeping me up at night.
Randomize
