my facebook friend requests are always from girls of boyfriends i have fucked, facebook is the worst reminder of shame
My broken door handle makes it really inconvient for when i need to puke at red lights.
you're surprised the chick that fucked you for a free cup has herpes. i don't feel bad for you.
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You pulled down your pants, pissed in the recliner, and wiped yourself with my utility bill. I thought it was in the worlds best interest to put you to bed.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
Don't matter if she's straight, I'll get her. I'm not called The Transformer for nothing
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I wanted to waterboard myself with beer, but no one would give me their shirt to do it.
The condoms have been found. I repeat: THE CONDOMS HAVE BEEN FOUND. he isn't a collector!!!
I'm glad that we laid to rest the suspicion that he was keeping them in a scrapbook. yayy
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
So her ex boyfriend came up a lot in conversation while I was fucking her. Is that weird?
Who the fuck has a conversation during sex?
Ben Franklin would totally be a furry.
You're smoking weed and checking Tumblr I take it?
Randomize
