At this point it has been so long i wouldnt know what a dick was if it slapped me in the face.
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party
Just interrupted a freshman tour to ask where the sexual health center is. Figured I'd just give us all what we were really looking for.
I saw a stripper quit while on stage to months ago nothing you tell me will amaze me
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Hey, who is this? Sorry, you're in my phone as "you better remember".
Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
There's nothing more rewarding than telling you that I fucked your dad
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
You date? I thought you just hooked up with your TAs
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
Randomize
