did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.
literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in
She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.
I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.
Fyi your toilet is not contaminated. We'd have to scissor pretty hard to pass what I got.
I'm cleaning my apartment while naked. Anyone who says that's not why they want to live on their own is lying.
In my drunk state I was like I ONLY HAD SEX WITH SOMEONE ELSE BECAUSE HE WAS THE HOTTEST GUY IVE EVER EVEN SEEN
Know what I do when I'm in that mood? Whenever anyone talks to me I just hiss like a cat. They go away.
I AM BEING ACCOSTED BY A HUMMING BIRD
I AM IN MILD DISTRESS
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
i had a flashback to you roaring like a dying tiger and then throwing your wallet (maybe?) at the cat in the living room and saying "you're the only adult that lives here take all my money"
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
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