I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.
this dieting is killing me...just started drooling watching a dog food commercial
I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...
Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.
Apparently you can coat check a keg.
Celebrated the veterans I suppose, my mouth tastes of gin and black outs
No apologies necessary. Just give me sex and Pop Tarts, and we'll call it even.
Sexting across continents is really a perfect example of how far technology has come.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
the police dropped me off. that's how my night went.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
Randomize
