genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
My mom just told me that after i turned eight i stopped growing mentally and emotionally
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix
Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."
It's a fucking menopause festival down here at the strike zone
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
Randomize