Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
we're taking shots every time my dog licks his penis. we're on number 8 now.
you should have been aborted.
He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.
he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.
Don't worry, I'm preparing for tonight by lining my purse with a garbage bag.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.
In light of your oncoming completion of twenty-three years of personhood, I feel a pressing need to blast country-pop phenomenon Taylor Swift's hit single "22" in your general direction until midnight.
I'm batshit crazy. I don't know how you guys keep forgetting that
If there's anything else you're planning on stealing from me, please let me know so I can set it on fire
It's only just- an eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth, a nude for a nude
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Randomize
