The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
Just remembered getting lost in a "shortcut" through yards and GPSing my way home last night
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk
announcing that you were the mayor of bjtown got their attention.
I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?
oh and speaking of men I've slept with. Ryan lost 1/3 of a testicle zip lining
Was so close to hoppin on it but then I realize it's not a dick and I needed to keep walking. Primal instincts.
You looked at me, said I was a nice guy. Then you drunkenly climbed on top of me and said you liked me and wanted me.
I want to wait until after I get laid before I ask him his political affiliation. Just in case. I'm so desperate I would bang a Republican
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
He made her leave because she liked Top-Ramen better than Maruchaun. He's my hero.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
