alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac
I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds
Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
he got kicked out of the bar for falling asleep on the mechanical bull.. then freaked on us cause we wouldnt go to the strip club with him
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
How the fuck did I get back? Last thing I remember is being on some hot guy's shoulders yelling at girls shaking their asses
We'll talk about it later...
YOU ARE SO GOD DAMN LOUD AND YOU'RE SHAKING THE GOD DAMN HOUSE. FUCKING STOP.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
I think drunk me saved him in my phone as "beautiful man" to play a joke on sober me
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
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