Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
Yeah. He most definitely jizzed himself in the face.
somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
Drunk
Deyhxbr
Fucaerrrrr
We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.
you walked onto the street in the middle of the 10K in your thong. it was a whole new kind of expirience.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
this could be the second dad I've smoked weed with
I feel like every man should aspire to get a blowjob from a sword swallower.
Probably for the best. My morning wood is pretty horrible. I wouldn't want to tip the earth's axis/ create a new magnetic pole
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
Dude, don't beat around the bush. We're fucked and you know it.
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
Randomize
