so i was dancing to the glee soundtrack with highheels. i tripped. and the dildo fell on my face. i dont know what happened.
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.
Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.
I'm glad we're going to catch up. too bad it's over my vagina.
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
I need a "closed for the season, thanks for a great summer" sign for my vagina
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
literally who communicates this much post-hookup why r u like this
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
Randomize
