Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
if creeping was an olympic sport, i would be a lock for the gold right now.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
I think "bars open christmas minneapolis" is the saddest google search i've ever done.
He tried to say "god bless your heart" to the stripper but it came out "god bless your pussy"
i miss our vodka / percocet laundry days.
why the fuck are my pubes caked with bread crumbs?
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Lmfao I'm not trying to have a pissing contest over acid with my mom.....
Hold on, I need to find something to wear that says "I don't contribute to your daughter's drug problem"
I've never been so excited to have my ass in so much pain.
Let's go buy marshmallows and play chubby bunny until we feel alive again
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
I remember you banged her while I was dying on your couch, so good call
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