sorry I missed your bday party.,I was vid chatting with that new guy I'm talking to all night...happy biirthday though
You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?
Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.
He won't let me have sex with him, but feels bad if I won't let him get me off. It is the weirdest, best, most confusing pseudo relationship I've been in.
The best thing about my promotion is that I now have an office with a door. I can take my naps in peace instead of leaning my head against the stall in the bathroom.
I can't believe they pay you six figures. I hate you.
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.
That awesome feeling when you are pooping on the same toilet that nobel laureates have pooped on
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Yea I've gotten enough hickeys in my life to know what I'd look like with a neck tattoo. I think I'm getting a neck tattoo.
Summer bikini season begins today. I hereby declare the commencement of the 2013 HUNT FOR CUNT.
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
the cops are being surprisingly chill about david hanging from a tree with no pants.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
She looked like a cross between Jesus and John Lennon. So I fucked her. I feel majestic and powerful.
Randomize
