dude i was like still drunk, taking pictures of her while she was naked and asleep and she woke up
haha what'd she say
i don't know man, something about us dating. but i never talked to her sober so i said i was making breakfast and snuck out of her house. close calls man WTF
My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Banjos are just sex machines. Like lights to moths, banjos are to hipster bitches.
it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me
He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...
You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...
another part of my inner child died when i emptied my crayon bank for dollar beer night.
I hope your pay increase has gone through because I might need bail. This is not what I dreamed adulthood would be like.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling
If pulling your dick out counts as a hobby that is his.
I want to respect them as people, but really I just want to have sex with them.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize
