I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits
my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie
we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
Yoga may not b such a good idea for me today. My liver is obviously in cahoots with my colon to pay me back for the past 24 days of misuse . Downward dog could have catastrophic consequences.
I'm tellin ya, let the nipple get some air, they'll hire u on the spot, lawyers love a little nip
Judging by my bruises, I know I took more than one tumble. I probably pulled u down w me, and then punched you in the knee. Been trying to find a place to fix my phone between naps today. Almost no place accepts hand js as currency these days. 2013 is gonna be expensive and whorey.
Totally clawed myself in the face during sex. I can die happy?
I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
I'm eating cheesecake with my hands completely naked while falling asleep
I guess you never know how much of an impact you have on someone until you sleep with their cousin
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
Omg I just woke up in his bed.. I'm fully clothed and he is naked. I'm so confused.
Randomize
