remember when mike pissed in his pants and then put a double cheeburger in the pocketsss of said wet pants for "safe keeping"? yea drunker then that.
Used tampon in my purse. That from you?
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.
Just got to school and somone already mentioned the amount of cereal im carrying.
I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.
Dude your neighbors are having a garage sale. They were judging me as I walk of shamed back to my car.
He made me sneak beer in the diaper bag... guess who is winning 2012 parents of the year
And after peeing my pants waiting outside for him, i proceeded to drop down and roll in the nearest puddle to pretend like i just ate shit when he arrived
That's not fair! You can't come over after you just had sex and rub my dry spell in my face!
jesus, I think that canada gold metal game has completely changed all rules of acceptable drinking habits, I was fucked untill noon and I just got invited to go party when I get off work...at 600am...and NO ONE understood why i was hesitant
I'd like to preapologize if you or your mom see me naked at some point this weekend.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
I just bought a bottle of dried bees on Etsy. I am the wrong person to talk you out of this.
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