Note to all middle aged "I totally let myself go after childbirth" frumpy mothers: I do not dress this way for your husbands. Stop looking at me like that. It's not my fault.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You just kept yelling, "THAT'S THE POWER OF PINESOL, BABY!"
you were exchanging tortilla chips with the guy at the next table, telling him your table was given the "big chips" because it was your 21st birthday
We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.
Drunbk and roasting marshmallows on my stove. Accidentally singed the catr's fur but she'sd alright.
Would it be a good deed to leave a 32 pack of bud light next to a bum sleeping in the park?
Itd be nice if there was a level of interest in me somewhere in between the indifference and obsession that I've only been attracting
Now go get drunk with your fam and get back into ur christmas groove. No time for gonnorhea
Best part about losing weight and not fitting into your pants any longer? They come off quick for chipotle emergencies.
My booty call made my bed while I was in the shower. I may have to marry him.
How'd your date go last night?
Well I blacked out at 1:30 and woke up naked in not-my-date's bed with an uneaten Jimmy John's sandwich.
Is it totally acceptable to fuck a co-worker even though we don't speak the same language?
Why do you even have to ask me that question
Two questions: is there going to be a bathroom at this party, and can we fuck in it. This will define whether or not I enjoy going to parties with you.
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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