Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
Consumer Beware: Redhead has herpes.
Her sister's ass was worth my getting thrown out of the house.
I am currently trying to use a tide to go pen to remove the jizz from my backseat, it's not working...
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
The worst part is I think my tongue cut his penis and now he wont talk to me.
i thought i was the drunkest one there til some girl puked in the tip jar.
Sometimes you get drunk and fall out of a car. I never said it was glamorous.
I smell like icyhot and vodka... Heres to my pulled tendon.
Was I asleep on the ride home?
Yea, then when I tried to hold your head up on a turn, you round house punched me in the face.
The object of the game was to pour tequila into a sombrero and drink as much as you can before it leaked through, 'Big Papi' won.
"Let's do body shots off the freshmen" is officially the worst thing I've ever said.
I wish there was a morning after pill for dominoes.
I want an apology pizza with SORRY IM A DOUCHE spelled out on it in pepperoni
It's 5am and I have yet to fall asleep. At what point do we just accept that I run on vodka?