I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people
dude we gotta go shopping. I made pancakes this afternoon and used them as sandwich bread.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?
I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..
I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
Just broke into the basement of my house via my american red cross blood donor card. I officially save lives
Ignore him I am the one that wears the pants in the relationship while "the big man" cries in bed
Randomize
